My wife and I had tried to become a dad for over 18 months.
In January 2011 my wife became pregnant and we both were really excited about it. Over the course of the next couple of months it became much more real to her than to me, since she had the little bugger growing inside of her and was also experiencing the negative effects (nausea, sciatic pain, etc) that I did not.
Once the belly started growing and could actually feel my son move inside it became more real to me. At the same time feelings of possible inadequacy for being a dad came up. What if I was like my dad, never there, emotionally or physically? I still suffer from some of the issues and my performance anxiety is just one of the things that have roots in my upbringing.
I wanted to do it differently for my son. Being a business owner the fear of not being there is quite real, I work 60-70 hours a week to make it atm and don't see the time put in lessen any time soon.
The birth of my son Kieran was supposed to be this coming Sunday. Well, he decided to see the world a little bit earlier. He came exactly a week early.
On Sunday at 2.30 am my wife's water broke. She woke me up at around 5.40 am and we headed to the hospital. I felt good and like I was able to help her by staying calm and collected and get everything together that wasn't packed yet.
We spent the next hours at the hospital waiting. Jessie had received an epidural since her sciatic nerve made the contractions so much worse. Afterwards she felt considerably better. We spent the time waiting for being dilated by playing games, sleeping or dozing, watching movies. I went to the grocery store in between and even did a small workout in the birthing room, just to make the time go by faster.
At 5.30 pm in the afternoon Jessi was ready to push and it was an awesome experience that I can only recommend to dads. Seeing your child getting born gives you a whole new perspective on life and what is important. It also deepens the bond between you and your spouse/girlfriend. You play an important role, you coach her gently through the process and give her a focus. You are vital to a smooth birth.
The doctor's allowed me to cut the cord, which felt like cutting through cloth, :)
I spent the next two nights with my wife at the hospital trying to help her as much as I could by changing Kieran's diapers, cleaning her breast pump supplies and making sure that she was as comfortable as possible. The nurses and nurse assistants were awesome and we learnt a lot.
Then during the night, I realized, I am a dad and with that came the realization of whole new responsibilities. I had helped bring a life into this world that never asked to be here, that was vulnerable and defenseless. I swore to my son that I would protect him and be there for him. When I held him I felt this deep love and care as well as sense of being overwhelmed, not living up to my expectations of being a dad and failing my son and wife.
We were released from the hospital on Tuesday of this week. My son is a pooping machine for sure. We are having trouble though for him to latch onto the breast to feed. The milk came in yesterday but he just does not want to latch. My mother-in-law Silvia lives with us and is of tremendous help. So far she is the only one who was able to help Kieran to latch on properly and even that seems to be random.
That was the first time I felt really inadequate, like I am not able to do what I am supposed to do as a dad. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to get 3-4 times a night but I do want to help Jessie and Kieran, I want to be there for him even if it means being tired and exhausted. He is my son. This blog is a way for me to sort my feelings to figure them out and memorize the moments that matter. We went for a walk the first time yesterday and I am so looking forward to run with my son.
A promise of a dad to his son:
- I will try to be the best dad to you that I can and be willing to admit my mistakes.
- I will grow beyond my fears and insecurities
- I will provide guidance where guidance is needed
- I will be a friend where a friend is needed
- I will fail sometimes and will try to do better in the future
- I am your dad, you are my son and I will do my best to help you find your way in life by finding my own.
